...I don't know where to start

Well, I'm either a genius for sharing my crazy life with all of you or a complete buffoon. That remains to be seen. Aaannd off we go....


I confess that even after all my deliberation of starting a blog, now that I have, I don't know what to talk about first. I do know that my intent for this blog is to be totally honest and un-sugar-coated. That said, I suppose a good place to start would be with a recurring theme in my life (and most of our lives, I'm sure). The three letter dirty word. FAT. There it is, band-aid's off.
Most of my life, I've been the fat girl in the room. It's fluctuated of course at times, but basically I just kept getting fatter and fatter until a few years ago. It's a funny thing how it sneaks up on you. How you can see yourself the same way every day in a mirror, and not actually SEE yourself until you see a picture and cringe. Well, eventually, I was cringing when I saw EVERY picture. I was in my mid-twenties, had been married for a few years, and fit into every weight-gaining cliche out there (and fit into none of my jeans). "After high school, I started gaining weight", "I just fell into a comfortable rut", "I got complacent in my marriage". Whatever. If there was an excuse, I had it. What I didn't have was much self-esteem, energy, or confidence.
Three years ago, Jason and I decided to start a family. Prior to getting pregnant, I had lost some weight but I had HUGE fears that I would be one of those women who gained a ton of weight during pregnancy. Why wouldn't I? I had had weight problems all my life, why would pregnancy prove to be any easier?? As it turned out, the pregnancy goddess smiled down on me, and I miraculously only gained 17 lbs during pregnancy. I got even luckier, and dropped 30 lbs in the few months after Nick was born. I call it luck because I didn't do anything to lose the weight, and I ate like a cow. Thank God for breastfeeding hormones! After a few months though, I stopped losing and I got really frustrated. (Really? I got frustrated that my body stopped magically dropping weight without me trying? Hi, my name is Spoiled Brat....) A coworker turned me onto an amazing website called Calorie Count and it turned out to be a lifesaver. I became religious about using it to track my food and exercise and it totally worked! I started using it May of 2011 and I lost 50 lbs while using the site. Since Nick was born, I've lost a total of 75 pounds and dropped 5 sizes. I now wear the same size I did in high school...which, let's face it, is a dream of most moms. Buuuuuuttt......I've hit a seriously nasty, particularly hateful plateau. I've lost and gained the same 5 lbs over and over for the last 6 months. And I could whine and say that "no matter what I do, I can't lose anymore weight" but that's a total crock. Where I was once dedicated, I'm flaky and erratic. Where I was the one motivating people and encouraging them to be strong, I'm the one constantly giving in. What's worse is that I'm totally grossed out by myself now. I've lost the rush of looking into the mirror and seeing myself as a constantly changing body. I now see all the things that I still need to fix, the weight I still need to lose. Don't misunderstand, I don't mean this in an eating disorder, unhealthy kind of way. I do see all the progress I've made, but my focus has shifted to only seeing the progress yet to be made. Focusing on the work left to be done has zapped my motivation.
The worst part is that I have thus far not been able to motivate myself out of this slump. I feel as though I'm starting this weight loss journey all over again, not as though I'm merely continuing on the path. So, in addition to a few other things, this weekend I am doing a cleanse in the hopes of not only ridding my body of all the garbage I've dumped into it these last few months, but also of potentially dropping a few pounds in the process and maybe giving myself the jump I need. We shall see how the weekend turns out.
This will be a lifelong struggle for me. I do not anticipate reaching a desired weight and then never having to think about my weight again. I know this will be something that will always be prevalent in my life, so it will probably be a recurring theme in this blog. Some of them may be more focused on diet, some more on exercise. Sorry to start the blog on such a heavy note (pun surely intended), but it has definitely been the biggest demon in my life for a long time and especially more so lately. Best to go ahead and get the dirtiest laundry out there first. Next time I promise lighter fare :)