... I am one nervous mamma

Tomorrow night, we will be heading back to Greensboro for the weekend. While we are so excited to see friends and family, the real reason for our trip is to take Nicholas for a follow-up visit with his pediatric ophthalmology specialist in Winston-Salem.
As most of you already know, several months back we started noticing that his right eye was turning inward. We started seeing a specialist who prescribed drops to help strengthen the muscles in the eye. That seemed to work for awhile, but then slowly seemed to create the same problem with his left eye. The specialist (Dr Eric Hein out of Wake Forest in Winston....I hope you never need anyone in his specialty, but if you do, I recommend him highly) advised us to stop the drops for a few months to see what happened. Apparently, this is a really common condition in children Nick's age and is generally caused by asymmetrical muscle development in the eyes. The muscles simply don't develop at exactly the same rate, and quite frequently, children just outgrow it.
Our appointment on Friday is for the doctor to determine if he thinks Nick is progressing well enough on his own, or if he wants to pursue other treatment options. One of the treatment options that is a possibility is performing surgery to correct the length of the muscles around both eyes. There are of course, other possibilities for treatment options. Glasses, temporary patching, resuming drops. But all I hear in my head is "surgery", repeating over and over like a resounding gong.
As optimistic as I am, the truth is that I expect the doctor will prescribe some new course of treatment. I do not think he will say Nick is progressing well enough on his own to continue doing nothing. I definitely see an improvement in the frequency of the crossing. But I see it more than I am comfortable with, and I see it intermittently in both eyes. He tends to stumble and/or trip a lot, but who's to say that isn't just due to being a toddler?
There are so many days that I wish the wonderful, amazing Dr. Hein could see what we see and tell me if that's normal toddler stuff or if it's a cause for concern. How am I to know that Nick threw the ball 4 feet to my right because he just doesn't have the fine muscle control yet or because he couldn't see me clearly enough to know where to throw it?
If Nick does have to have surgery, the good news is that it is a really simple surgery, the recovery time is very short, and the success rate for correcting the crossing is very high. But as any of you with children who have had to have surgery know, the anxiety that comes with it is no simple thing. It doesn't matter to me how short, how simple, how easy the surgery may be...that's my perfect beautiful baby boy.
I have no way of knowing if,during our appointment on Friday, Dr Hein will definitively say that Nick does or does not need surgery; he may suggest trying something else before we settle on that final decision. But for now, all I hear is "surgery, surgery, surgery" banging inside my head.

... I miss fall

For a few weeks, I've been making comments (okay, complaining) about the lack of fall at the coast. At least, the lack of fall as I know it. Fall as I know it begins to appear around late September and is in full force by Halloween. By November 1st, everyone has resigned themselves to the knowledge that boots, pants, sweaters, jackets, and scarves are in their lives to stay until March. Fall as I know it has brilliantly colored trees in every shade of orange, red, gold, and brown. Fall as I know it has a crisp chill in the air that makes your cheeks just slightly rosy. Fall as I know it is my favorite time of year. Fall as I know it is wonderful.
Make no mistake, that fall does not exist at the coast. Halloween is exactly 6 days away, and while out and about today, I saw no less than 10 girls in shorts. At one point, I drove past a bank whose sign cheerfully informed me it was 74 degrees. 74 degrees!! Mother Nature, 74 degrees is NOT October 25th weather. 74 degrees is a climate more suited for May-September. I'm sure poor 74 degrees feels hopelessly lost and displaced. I'm sure he would like to return to his natural habitat. Could you kindly see that he is returned home? Soon?
Yeah, yeah, yeah....poor Mary and her perfect, gorgeous weather at the beach. Life sure is hard for her. Must be soooo hard having to suffer through 74 and sunny all through October. Well, it is. It is true what they say. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. Had you asked me a month ago if I would ever wish away the perfect temps and clear blue sky, I would have given you a very emphatic "no" (This is hypothetical of course...technically a month ago, it was raining non-stop. Perhaps I should have said "Had you asked me six weeks ago".....oh well. Details, details.) I would have never thought the delay in the changing of the seasons would effect (affect? I never know...) me so much, but I find myself annoyed with each passing day that doesn't provide a need for a jacket. We are headed back to Greensboro this weekend, and I am so excited to see the changing of the leaves and have a pumpkin coffee. I'll probably even sit outside while I drink it, just to let my cheeks get a little rosy.

... I'm less artsy, more crafty

For quite some time, I've considered myself very creative and artsy. However, truth be told, I have a hard time with it. I truly do enjoy painting, creating, making something beautiful from something ordinary. The enjoyment of the tasks was what led me to the conclusion that I was "artsy". But as any of you who know me are aware, I'm just a touch neurotic. I need things to be just so. Everything has a place, and I despise clutter. How then can these two brains inhabit the same person? Not without struggle, I assure you. When I paint something, or have an idea for an art project, I can never seem to get it "just so". I don't know that I'd say I'm a perfectionist (though Jason might), but I have a really hard time getting the project "right". And for awhile, I started to think perhaps this struggle meant I just wasn't good at being creative. But during a recent joking discussion of some of my neurotic tendencies, a friend said to me "I bet you aren't very creative or artsy, are you?" (I know it sounds as if she was being snarky. Trust me, she was not. Just making an observation.) My first initial response was, "Actually I really am!" Our converstion then took the direction of comparing how unusual it was to find someone who was very artistic and also very OCD-ish.
It was a short conversation, one mostly in passing; a small part of a long day together. But it stuck with me. I kept turning over her statement for a few days and it finally occurred to me that she was right. Not that I wasn't creative, but that it is so very unusual for one to be overly right-brained (more artistically leaning) and left-brained (pragmatic, precise, exacting) at the same time. Honestly, it made me feel a lot better! I finally understood why I felt like I wasn't "good" at being creative. As much as I enjoy it, my brain isn't naturally geared that direction. I'm certainly more left-brained than right-brained,so it finally made sense to me.
I can clean and organize and put order to any room in no time. But ask me to design something to go in that room and you may to wait awhile for the finished product.

... I drank cute boots

Or at least the monetary equivalent. I spent about $40 on the cleansing system I  used this weekend. I could've spent that money on some really cute boots instead, and probably been happier with my purchase. I did lose 2.5 lbs this weekend. But I don't feel cleansed, I feel stripped. I spent the majority of the weekend feeling slightly drained and fairly cranky. The cleansing system was a drink I was to drink over the course of 2 days. The only foods I was allowed to eat was raw fruits or veggies or lean meats, and only in small quantities. In addition to the cleanser, I could also drink as much water as I wanted. I would say I adhered to the rules about 90%. Both mornings I did have coffee, and for dinner each night I had a salad that included peppers, grilled chicken, a little bit of parmesan and dressing. (interesting....my spellchecker wants me to change the spelling of "dressing". Odd.) Anyway, I definitely did notice that once I started to get hungry, my body literally craved garbage. My brain instantly went to wanting processed foods, white starches, and sugars. It was very eye-opening to experience those cravings first hand. I previously felt pretty confident that I did a decent job of eating a balanced diet, but this weekend has shown me that my body is more addicted to garbage than I realized. It also showed me how easily I can fall victim to marketing and trends. I confess I wasted $40. I didn't need to go hungry and drink green goop all weekend. I didn't need to try and cleanse my system, I just need to cleanse my kitchen. And maybe reward my new found knowledge with some cute boots.

... I am a Walmart snob

FACT: A person seen in Wal-mart appears 47% less desirable than the same person seen in Target, and a staggering 78% less desirable than when seen in a trendy coffee shop.
Okay, so maybe not fact per se.....and perhaps the percentages are a touch exaggerated. Or are they? Be honest, you've logged time at work perusing peopleofwalmart.com. There is no peopleoftarget.com or peopleofstarbucks.com for a reason. The people who shop at Target and Starbucks and Harris Teeter and Kohl's aren't nearly as entertaining as the people at Walmart. (side note - if there isn't a peopleofthemall.com, there totally should be) The truth is, simply being at Wal-mart comes with an expectation of, how do I say this delicately.....TRASH. 
Yes, I do realize that to see such folk in their natural habitat, then I too, by default, must be a person of Wal-mart. It means that I must also be making the trek to the Ruler of Roll-backs, the Mecca of Mark-downs. But (and here's where the snob comes out to play) I am not a "person of Wal-mart". I am better than that. And so are you. Or maybe you're not, and now you're completely offended....sorry. Sort of.
Right or wrong, I confess I ruthlessly judge the people I encounter in Wal-mart. I see men (and women) with mullets. I see obese women with shorts too short and shirts too tight. I see 17 children to one mother. I see white girls with cornrows. I see men with their stomachs hanging out from beneath their shirt and their crack making an appearance above their pants. I see people who, judging from their overall ensemble, clearly have no idea what decade it is. I see tween goths. I see women over 50 dressed in the same style as their teenage granddaughter. I see these people and I think they must have no friends because no one warned them not to go out in public looking like that. I see these people and I think "Thank goodness I don't look like one of them"...........Right?!?!

... I hate potty training

I do. I completely hate it. Not that I can think of anyone who might actually enjoy it, but still..... It is by far the hardest thing I've done so far as a parent. It tests my patience like nothing I've ever encountered.
Every single time Nick sees a toilet, this is what takes place:
N: I go potty
M: You need to go potty?
N: I go potty
M: Okay, lets get your pants off.
N: No get pants off
M: Nick, honey, if you need to go potty, we have to take your pants and diaper off
N: I go potty
M: Okay, pants off
Right about here is a turning point. It will go one of two ways.
Scenario A) N: No! No go potty!! No!
                   M: Are you sure? You just said you need to go potty. Why don't we just try since we're here?
                   N: No go potty! (as he backs away from the potty, seemingly scared of whatever creature he's convinced is going to get him.
                  M: (In extreme defeat) Okay honey, we'll try again later

Scenario B) N: I go potty, pants off!
                   M: Good job baby, let's get those pants off!
                   At this point, the boy is naked from the waist down, standing in front of the toilet...
                   N: No go potty
                   M: (in extreme defeat) Okay honey, we'll try again later. Let's get our pants back on.
                   N: No get pants on!
                   M: Nicholas......if you aren't going to potty, we need to get our pants back on.
                   N: Noooo get pants on!!!!

This continues for about 2 minutes until he finally concedes to give up on naked time and allow me to put his pants back on, or throws a full out tantrum resulting in still no go potty....

I suppose I should mention there's also a Scenario C...
 Nick sees toilet after following me into bathroom for unknown reasons....
  N: I go potty!
  M: Nope!

Call me a bad mommy for not taking advantage of the learning opportunity, but sometimes you just gotta grab the sanity where you can

...I don't know where to start

Well, I'm either a genius for sharing my crazy life with all of you or a complete buffoon. That remains to be seen. Aaannd off we go....


I confess that even after all my deliberation of starting a blog, now that I have, I don't know what to talk about first. I do know that my intent for this blog is to be totally honest and un-sugar-coated. That said, I suppose a good place to start would be with a recurring theme in my life (and most of our lives, I'm sure). The three letter dirty word. FAT. There it is, band-aid's off.
Most of my life, I've been the fat girl in the room. It's fluctuated of course at times, but basically I just kept getting fatter and fatter until a few years ago. It's a funny thing how it sneaks up on you. How you can see yourself the same way every day in a mirror, and not actually SEE yourself until you see a picture and cringe. Well, eventually, I was cringing when I saw EVERY picture. I was in my mid-twenties, had been married for a few years, and fit into every weight-gaining cliche out there (and fit into none of my jeans). "After high school, I started gaining weight", "I just fell into a comfortable rut", "I got complacent in my marriage". Whatever. If there was an excuse, I had it. What I didn't have was much self-esteem, energy, or confidence.
Three years ago, Jason and I decided to start a family. Prior to getting pregnant, I had lost some weight but I had HUGE fears that I would be one of those women who gained a ton of weight during pregnancy. Why wouldn't I? I had had weight problems all my life, why would pregnancy prove to be any easier?? As it turned out, the pregnancy goddess smiled down on me, and I miraculously only gained 17 lbs during pregnancy. I got even luckier, and dropped 30 lbs in the few months after Nick was born. I call it luck because I didn't do anything to lose the weight, and I ate like a cow. Thank God for breastfeeding hormones! After a few months though, I stopped losing and I got really frustrated. (Really? I got frustrated that my body stopped magically dropping weight without me trying? Hi, my name is Spoiled Brat....) A coworker turned me onto an amazing website called Calorie Count and it turned out to be a lifesaver. I became religious about using it to track my food and exercise and it totally worked! I started using it May of 2011 and I lost 50 lbs while using the site. Since Nick was born, I've lost a total of 75 pounds and dropped 5 sizes. I now wear the same size I did in high school...which, let's face it, is a dream of most moms. Buuuuuuttt......I've hit a seriously nasty, particularly hateful plateau. I've lost and gained the same 5 lbs over and over for the last 6 months. And I could whine and say that "no matter what I do, I can't lose anymore weight" but that's a total crock. Where I was once dedicated, I'm flaky and erratic. Where I was the one motivating people and encouraging them to be strong, I'm the one constantly giving in. What's worse is that I'm totally grossed out by myself now. I've lost the rush of looking into the mirror and seeing myself as a constantly changing body. I now see all the things that I still need to fix, the weight I still need to lose. Don't misunderstand, I don't mean this in an eating disorder, unhealthy kind of way. I do see all the progress I've made, but my focus has shifted to only seeing the progress yet to be made. Focusing on the work left to be done has zapped my motivation.
The worst part is that I have thus far not been able to motivate myself out of this slump. I feel as though I'm starting this weight loss journey all over again, not as though I'm merely continuing on the path. So, in addition to a few other things, this weekend I am doing a cleanse in the hopes of not only ridding my body of all the garbage I've dumped into it these last few months, but also of potentially dropping a few pounds in the process and maybe giving myself the jump I need. We shall see how the weekend turns out.
This will be a lifelong struggle for me. I do not anticipate reaching a desired weight and then never having to think about my weight again. I know this will be something that will always be prevalent in my life, so it will probably be a recurring theme in this blog. Some of them may be more focused on diet, some more on exercise. Sorry to start the blog on such a heavy note (pun surely intended), but it has definitely been the biggest demon in my life for a long time and especially more so lately. Best to go ahead and get the dirtiest laundry out there first. Next time I promise lighter fare :)