...Imma talk to Jesus about it

One thing I hear A LOT from my non-homeschooling friends is "I don't know how you have the patience." So let's clear something up.
Um, I don't.
I am fond of saying "patience is what parents have when other people are around."
In case you are under some illusion that I am a calm, peaceful soul who never lets the (more than) occasional swear word slip, yells at her kids or loses my mind when they ignore me, let me assure you....I'm not. I get up every morning and put on my issues just like you.
But the other thing I do every morning is pray. I start my day just talking to Jesus about it (During a conversation about a year ago, a friend said "I don't know, Imma have to talk to Jesus about that" and it stuck with me. So now, I just "talk to Jesus about it") We talk about what's on the schedule for that day, what challenges (academic or otherwise) the kids have been having, the fears I have, the issues I'm dealing with, the obstacles I am facing, THE PATIENCE I DON'T HAVE....whatever. If it's on my mind, I talk to Jesus about it. And it's all okay. It all just becomes....okay. I am reminded each morning that I don't HAVE to do it all, have it all, be it all. And that daily reminder, that morning hug if you will, THAT is where I get the patience. THAT is where I find redemption for the guilt I have over the yelling. THAT is where I find peace and comfort when I feel the crushing weight of all that is on my shoulders.

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Let's pause right here.
Everything written above the asterisks was written...we'll say maybe 2-3 months ago? Like most writers, I always have about a dozen unfinished pieces, all fractured and incoherent and just waiting for me to remember to finish them. At any rate, I wrote the previous words long before the entire collective world was locked down and every parent, working or otherwise, was attempting some twisted version of homeschooling. Interestingly, I also wrote those previous words during a time when I was - obviously - praying daily. But I'm not anymore. It - like everything else worth doing - requires discipline. And discipline is not my strong suit. So like everything else in my life, a daily prayer time ebbs and flows. Kinda like a workout plan or my commitment to Whole30... Anyway, for the last few days, I've been feeling a nudge to sit down and write. I just wasn't sure what to say. Every now and again, I get to the point where I feel like words are swirling around in my head, trying to burst forth. But they don't yet make sense, aren't yet coherent, so I have to sit with them for awhile and wrestle them into submission (This is probably another area where that discipline we talked about would serve me well...) When I opened up my computer today, I didn't really have a direction. But I knew the words would come. So I just started thumbing through old notes and previous writings. And then I stumbled across the one above.

And it hit me.

I knew why I'd been feeling like I needed to sit down to write. I knew who had been nudging me. Turns out it wasn't the writing I needed; it was the reading. I needed to read my own words from just a few months ago. I needed to hear myself remind me that all the stress, the anxiety, the depression, the doubt, the overwhelm, the darkness, all of it is soothed by just "talking to Jesus about it". And I haven't been. So it's not any wonder that all that darkness is finding it's way back in. When I try to handle everything on my own, I fail miserably. Because I was never intended to do it any of it on my own. I can read all the motivational books, do all the therapy, but until I bring Jesus along for the ride I'm destined to crash. Each and every time. Another writer I follow, Amy Weatherly, recently said it best...she said "I don't need self-help. That's what made me confused, and exhausted, and stressed out in the first place. I need His help." Amen, sister.

I may have started this post - for others - by talking about how Jesus gives me the patience to homeschool my kids. But it's become much more than that now. It's become a much needed reminder - for me - of how much I need to remember to lean on God. He wants to know us; He is deeply interested and invested in being a part of the details of our lives. He seeks us out and chases us down in ways we can't even fathom. Shoot, he even used past-me to get present-me's attention! And He has promised that if we will simply trust in Him, He will give us all the comfort, all the strength, all the hope we could ever need. We just need to talk to Jesus about it.