At least, that must be the case since my world is now upside down. I know I've been reeeaallly slack in posting new blogs. When I stopped working full-time, I had every intention of picking this back up. I thought surely I'd have tons to say as a pregnant stay-at-home mom. Turns out, not only have I not had a lot to say, I also don't have the freaking time to say it.
Well, ladies and gents, let me assure you, I officially have something to say now.
We found out this morning that Little Baby Gilbert #2, thus far referred to as "Peanut", is in fact a....(drumroll please....) GIRL! And while my "mother's whatever" actually already had me thinking that Peanut was a girl, the very second the tech said "It looks like a girl!", the table I was laying on, the floor the table sat on, the ground below the room we were in, and anything beneath that simply ceased to be. For I was now watching my life continue while standing on. my. head. Nothing, not even my own suspicions, could have prepared me for that announcement and the way it would make me feel.
Even after having Nicholas, when I looked forward to our future as a growing family, it always included two little boys, and only two little boys. Even after I got pregnant with Peanut, that image in my head still always felt just right. However, over the last several weeks, a little girl has entered the picture, replacing the second little boy in my picture. And the more I saw this image in my head, the more okay with it I was. Or so I thought.
See, the truth is, before we had children, I was TERRIFIED to be a mom. And when we found out Nicholas was a boy, I was thrilled. As you and I have discussed before, I was not the most angelic of little girls. Granted, we all have our pasts, and they all come back to haunt us in the form of our children. I am not naive enough to think that this fear is mine and mine alone. But, I couldn't help but feel as though I'd been spared a bit in the payback department by having a boy. (See this post for proof of how foolish I was for thinking such a thing...) So, of course, the thought of having a little girl has always been really scary. I've always been afraid of how I would handle raising....well, me.
But, when they told me today that I was going to be doing just that, my head exploded with thoughts that had never even entered my mind. Until right then, I'd always jokingly laughed off the idea of having a girl based on the effect it would have on ME. How would I handle it? What would I do with a smart-mouthed daughter? What will I do when she doesn't come home at night? Today, however, my thoughts went immediately to HER. How will the way I "handle" it effect her? How do I teach her to not be the kind of girl that doesn't come home at night? How do I teach her the value of a positive self-image? I'm very proud of the woman I have become, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a hell of a time getting here. How do I teach her not to make my mistakes?
As mothers of sons, we know that there is a bond with our sons that is like no other relationship. We instinctively want to teach our sons to grow to be great men, strong men, the kind of men the world is proud to know. But now, as a mother of a daughter (holy bows and ribbons Batman! I'm having a daugher?!?!), I have a whole new set of wishes for my child. To teach her to respect herself and others. To teach her to care for her body, while at the same time teaching her not to obsess about it and let it define her. To teach her to care for others. The list of things I want for my daughter, in many ways, mirrors the list of things I want for my son. But, in as many ways, it is a very different list indeed.
So my confession for today is that I clearly MUST be standing on my head. My world has been turned upside down...and I don't suspect it will ever right itself again. I am, however, slightly comforted by the fact that when we got to see our little angel today, her legs were neatly crossed at the ankles. Good job, sweetie. Keep 'em crossed, you're off to a good start. It will keep your daddy from putting a chastity belt and an alarm system on you. I will do my best to teach you to hold your head high and be proud of yourself no matter what. But I can't stop your father from embarrassing you with his over-protective ways.
We love you, little Zoe, and we can't wait to meet you.
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