What do I want? I've been thinking of and compiling this post for awhile now, and with Mother's Day just behind us, it finally seemed a good time to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys I suppose, in this case)
I want kids who trust us. Who trust us not to tear them down when they've made a mistake. Who trust us to be there for them when they need us, no matter the reason. Who trust us enough to include us in their lives as they grow. I want to foster an open line of communication that never closes. Rather than control, I want influence over our kids. I want them to know and understand the reasons behind the things we ask of them and have them trust us enough to know as they get older that we will only ask things of them that will be good for them. I want to create an atmosphere in our home that builds and fosters trust...
I want kids who explore. Who get dirty and ask questions and seek out the answers they don't have. I want them to have space enough to do that. Room to go outside and dig in the dirt and run and touch and really experience the earth. I want to learn more about plants and gardening and growing things so that I can pass that on to them. I want them to have a solid appreciation for not just where food comes from, but also the process of how things grow. I want them to have a respect and understanding of nature...
I want to learn more about solid, real nutrition so I can pass that knowledge to them now. So they will grow up with a healthy foundation and a clear understanding of the profound effects - both good and bad - that our food has on our body. I want to teach them the importance of getting outside and just MOVING on a regular basis, in whatever fashion. Running, biking, swimming, playing....whatever. Just MOVING. Growing up, those were things I never learned. And now, 31 years into life, I'm still trying to learn them and retrain my brain. And some of those 31 years have been HARD because the importance of truly caring for my body - beyond just the number on the scale - was just not something that was taught...
I want kids who understand and appreciate the importance of being responsible with money. Who understand where it comes from and how to manage it. I want grateful kids who appreciate the things they have, and who understand that it's okay to want things. But that it's not okay to be consumed by that desire. I want them to know that the meaning of "success" doesn't mean "being rich"...
I want kids who respect other people, no matter what. I want them to know how important it is to treat people with kindness, and to stand up and do something when they see someone being treated unkindly. I want them to know that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, regardless of who they are and what they look like or what they believe. I want them to be courageous enough to sit with the weird kid on the bus, or befriend the strange coworker when they get older...
I want them to understand the importance of being responsible for themselves and their own space. Not just so they keep things clean - though of course, that helps! But so they understand the value of taking pride in and taking care of their own things, and by extension, themselves. I want them to know that it's not someone else's job to take care of their stuff, so that as they grow, they know it's not someone else's job to take care of them. I want them to learn how to be responsible for themselves and own their actions...
I want them to be strong and confident enough to always be who they really are. To embrace it and never be ashamed or apologize for it...
But here's the catch. I can't simply TEACH any of this. I have to MODEL it for them, so they know what it all looks like. And a lot of these traits are things that I struggle with regularly. Which is exactly why it is so important to me that they learn these things. I want them to learn the basics of these things now, so that as they grow, these traits and values become second nature. So these things become part of them. And in THIS way, and so many others, this is how my children will refine me and make me a better person. They push me daily to overcome my own personal challenges, if for no other reason than to let them SEE me overcome my challenges. What an enormous amount of pressure, but what an amazing gift and opportunity.
I confess I don't want much...just all the same things every mother wants. Happy (belated) Mother's Day to all of you who shares these thoughts, desires, frustrations, and so much more. You're doing a great job!
Friday, May 16, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
...I have no confession
No confession this time, just some info to share...
A couple of weeks ago, during a dr visit, we found out that Nick has severely enlarged tonsils. After visits with his pediatrician and an ENT specialist, it was determined that he very likely has sleep apnea as a result of his enlarged tonsils. During our visit with the ENT specialist, the Dr started describing possible traits and symptoms that children with sleep apnea could exhibit. Unbeknownst to him, he was also describing Nick and all the issues and problems we've been dealing with for the last several months. Temper tantrums, bathroom accidents, behavior issues, inability to focus/lack of attention...I was shocked to find that these could all be stemming from the same source. It had never occurred to me that any of these problems were related to the quality of his sleep.
Then the Dr went on to explain that sleep apnea in children is almost always misdiagnosed as ADHD, so most children with sleep apnea go untreated (which can be dangerous). Worse yet, they end up being labeled and treated for the wrong thing. In most adult cases of sleep apnea, the individual suffers from excessive daytime sleepiness. Usually, this is pretty clear both to the individual and to the people around them. They look, act, and feel very sleepy. But in children, it tends to manifest almost in a backward manner. They may look and act sleepy, but even if they FEEL overly tired, they are very hyperactive and have great difficulty focusing and paying attention. I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I have seen Nick with dark circles under his eyes or with red, puffy eyes. Outwardly, he is clearly very tired. But he just. won't. sit. still. He is SO hyper. I couldn't understand the contrast. Until now.
I share this information with you because I spent a lot of time being frustrated. I was frustrated with Nick. I was frustrated with myself. I was frustrated with our lack of connection, my lack of ability to get him to calm down, pay attention, focus, chill out. I was frustrated with the knowledge that we were likely in for years of fights with teachers and doctors who would recommend he be medicated to treat what was likely going to be diagnosed as ADHD. I saw that road laid out ahead of us and I hated it. I hated it for him and I hated it for us.
But as the ENT rattled off this list of symptoms and I heard him describing my kid, I felt like crying. And laughing. And maybe doing some cartwheel. If I, in fact, could do cartwheels. First, it was a relief to find out something actually was going on with him, and that these frustrations have not been completely in my head. I've spent months feeling like I was the problem, like I was doing something wrong or responding to him the wrong way and making things harder for both of us. In no way do I ever want anything to be "wrong" with my children. But in a way, I was relieved to know that there was something was wrong, or rather that something wasn't right. Secondly, it was a huge relief to hear that we may not be headed down that road to ADHD hell, to hear that there was likely another explanation for all of this.
I share this information with you because I know I'm not the only parent frustrated with these similar issues. And I'm by no means trying to make the claim that if you think your kid has ADD/ADHD, it's probably just sleep apnea instead. In truth, sleep apnea only effects a small percentage of children. But the symptoms are very, very similar to those of ADHD and in most cases, simply removing the tonsils greatly improves their quality of sleep, thus improving their daytime symptoms as well. Call this my Parenting PSA if you want. But if you are struggling with these things with your child, and you haven't considered sleep apnea as a possible cause, I strongly recommend it. So many people, myself included, never even consider the quality of sleep a child gets, simply the quantity. We just assume that if they slept all night, they must be rested. But that's not always true for us as adults, so we can't count it as true for our kids either.
Nick's surgery is set for next week, and obviously, I have no way to know yet if this will be a "fix-it button" for us. According to the surgeon, it will be a few months before we will even be able to notice quantifiable changes in his behavior. I can't tell you, "Take their tonsils out, it fixes everything!" I don't know that, and I don't even believe that. I don't expect that this surgery will fix everything for us. I'm not expecting a perfect kid after the surgery. I'm just hopeful that this simply makes him sleep easier, and by extension, makes our days a little easier too.
Here is a link to a page with some more information, if you are interested.
A couple of weeks ago, during a dr visit, we found out that Nick has severely enlarged tonsils. After visits with his pediatrician and an ENT specialist, it was determined that he very likely has sleep apnea as a result of his enlarged tonsils. During our visit with the ENT specialist, the Dr started describing possible traits and symptoms that children with sleep apnea could exhibit. Unbeknownst to him, he was also describing Nick and all the issues and problems we've been dealing with for the last several months. Temper tantrums, bathroom accidents, behavior issues, inability to focus/lack of attention...I was shocked to find that these could all be stemming from the same source. It had never occurred to me that any of these problems were related to the quality of his sleep.
Then the Dr went on to explain that sleep apnea in children is almost always misdiagnosed as ADHD, so most children with sleep apnea go untreated (which can be dangerous). Worse yet, they end up being labeled and treated for the wrong thing. In most adult cases of sleep apnea, the individual suffers from excessive daytime sleepiness. Usually, this is pretty clear both to the individual and to the people around them. They look, act, and feel very sleepy. But in children, it tends to manifest almost in a backward manner. They may look and act sleepy, but even if they FEEL overly tired, they are very hyperactive and have great difficulty focusing and paying attention. I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I have seen Nick with dark circles under his eyes or with red, puffy eyes. Outwardly, he is clearly very tired. But he just. won't. sit. still. He is SO hyper. I couldn't understand the contrast. Until now.
I share this information with you because I spent a lot of time being frustrated. I was frustrated with Nick. I was frustrated with myself. I was frustrated with our lack of connection, my lack of ability to get him to calm down, pay attention, focus, chill out. I was frustrated with the knowledge that we were likely in for years of fights with teachers and doctors who would recommend he be medicated to treat what was likely going to be diagnosed as ADHD. I saw that road laid out ahead of us and I hated it. I hated it for him and I hated it for us.
But as the ENT rattled off this list of symptoms and I heard him describing my kid, I felt like crying. And laughing. And maybe doing some cartwheel. If I, in fact, could do cartwheels. First, it was a relief to find out something actually was going on with him, and that these frustrations have not been completely in my head. I've spent months feeling like I was the problem, like I was doing something wrong or responding to him the wrong way and making things harder for both of us. In no way do I ever want anything to be "wrong" with my children. But in a way, I was relieved to know that there was something was wrong, or rather that something wasn't right. Secondly, it was a huge relief to hear that we may not be headed down that road to ADHD hell, to hear that there was likely another explanation for all of this.
I share this information with you because I know I'm not the only parent frustrated with these similar issues. And I'm by no means trying to make the claim that if you think your kid has ADD/ADHD, it's probably just sleep apnea instead. In truth, sleep apnea only effects a small percentage of children. But the symptoms are very, very similar to those of ADHD and in most cases, simply removing the tonsils greatly improves their quality of sleep, thus improving their daytime symptoms as well. Call this my Parenting PSA if you want. But if you are struggling with these things with your child, and you haven't considered sleep apnea as a possible cause, I strongly recommend it. So many people, myself included, never even consider the quality of sleep a child gets, simply the quantity. We just assume that if they slept all night, they must be rested. But that's not always true for us as adults, so we can't count it as true for our kids either.
Nick's surgery is set for next week, and obviously, I have no way to know yet if this will be a "fix-it button" for us. According to the surgeon, it will be a few months before we will even be able to notice quantifiable changes in his behavior. I can't tell you, "Take their tonsils out, it fixes everything!" I don't know that, and I don't even believe that. I don't expect that this surgery will fix everything for us. I'm not expecting a perfect kid after the surgery. I'm just hopeful that this simply makes him sleep easier, and by extension, makes our days a little easier too.
Here is a link to a page with some more information, if you are interested.
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