...I'm on a boat

Figuratively speaking of course. Literally speaking, I'm in a hospital bed trying to stay pregnant long enough to keep my daughter out of the NICU. To say the least, this week has not gone the way I anticipated. Two days ago, I had a thousand things on my to-do list, only one of which was a routine OB check-up. That check-up changed everything.

*(From this point forward, I feel I should warn you that if you are a male reader, unfamiliar with pregnancy/childbirth, or just plain squeamish this whole thing may be TMI for you. For your purposes, we'll just wrap up the story with "things are moving forward faster than they should and I need to stay pregnant longer")*

For a few weeks, I'd been feeling quite a bit of pressure/pain/pinching on my cervix when my active little Jumperoo would move in a downward direction. Having never experienced anything like that with Nicholas, I knew it was not a normal pain. So, during my check-up, I requested my OB check my cervix to make sure I hadn't started dilating too soon. When I explained to her what I was feeling, she offered me another potential explanation for the sensations and upon hearing her explanation, I liked hers much better. Obviously. Her explanation meant nothing was wrong! But it did legitimately seems to explain the pain. However, just to be on the safe side, we decided to check my cervix anyway. As she's laying back the bed for me to assume the position, two potential scenarios are running through my mind. 1) she's going to violate check me and find that nothing's wrong, or 2) she's going she's going to violate check me and things are going to be so incredibly wrong that just pressure of her check is going to accidentally break my water and I was going to have my baby right there in the exam room. Well, I ended up somewhere in the middle. I have to admit, when quarts of amniotic fluid didn't go gushing to the floor, I stupidly thought that meant nothing was wrong. Turns at that only 32 weeks along, I was dilated to 5 cm and already 70% effaced. (For those unfamiliar, that means my cervix was well over halfway ready for my body to start having this baby. Add in some serious contractions and out she pops)

Remember my post about finding out we were expecting a girl? How I felt like I was instantly dumped upside down and the table, floor, and such all fell out from under me? Well, this was like that. Except now I was on boat, quickly sailing away from the image in my head of bringing my daughter, the final puzzle piece to completing our family, into this world. Sadly since then, my boat has not drifted any closer to shore.
They admitted me right then and there for pre-term labor. And after much back and forth discussion of what my expectations should be regarding the length of my stay, I now know I will very likely be here until she is born. Which is likely to be at least a week, maybe 2-3. I've had terms like "high risk" applied to my file; heard things like "NICU stay", "underdeveloped lungs", "feeding tubes", and other terrifying phrases applied to my daughter's potential condition. (There goes me...in my boat...drifting further and further out to sea with no paddle to get back...)

There are, however, lots of great things to report on this admittedly scary situation. First, since being admitted two days, there does not appear to be any change in my condition which is actually great. It means things are not progressing, that I'm not moving closer to active labor. They've given me meds to stop any contractions that I was having, however mild they were. Today I get to see how I do without them. Second, Zoe looks wonderful! Her heart rate is steady, she's very active, and she's already measuring around 4 lbs. I know, I know 4 lbs sounds so super tiny. But I've learned in the last few days that it's big enough to land her on the threshold of possibly avoiding being in the NICU. So she is not in any distress, for which I am so thankful. While she seems to want to leave the little home I've made for her a little too soon, at least she seems happy in her little home.

And third and finally, Nick has been in SUCH good hands during all of this. We have such amazing friends and family that have dropped their lives to offer to take him in while we go through these difficult weeks. And while it literally feels like my heart is being ripped out, another huge gust of wind pushing me further from shore, to think of him being away from me for possibly weeks, I do know that this brief period of my life needs to be focused on Zoe. I am asking a lot of my little man to bounce around the state for the next few weeks to stay with various friends and family, but I know he will be so well taken care of and he will have such a good time. It is immensely difficult to consider not having him in my day-to-day life, especially when it feels like everything else is so mucked up. But I know, for now, it needs to happen.

I know that in a few weeks or months (gulp), the four of us will have this behind us. We will be tired and sleep-deprived. We will be back to our lives of potty-training and play-dates with tiny Zoe in tow. We will be balancing grocery shopping and errands and work and everything else our daily lives consist of. We will be home and we will be healthy and we will be happy.

But for now, I have to float along in my little boat with nothing to guide me but the knowledge that the doctors will do everything they medically can to keep Zoe and I healthy and safe, and faith that God has a plan for us and He will get our family through this.