It is 2:00 in the afternoon. I have JUST gotten out of my pajamas. It took until this time to have a minute to myself to even think about what else to put on my body other than the hideous-but-comfy PJs that my husband must surely think is the standard issue mommy uniform by now. Today has been a doozy. So far there have been at least 3 battle of wills between Nick and I, I have been screamed AT, I have been the one doing the screaming, I have been kicked during a temper tantrum, bitten (twice) while nursing, banished Nick to his room no less than 3 times, reneged on my promise to take him to the museum, and cried on the floor of my room. Today has quite literally brought me to my knees.
Please understand, what I say next is not in an attempt to garner sympathy, it is simply a cry from an overwhelmed mom. I'm not looking for anyone to try to make me feel better or pat me on the back. I'm sharing because I know I'm not the only mom to feel this way, and hearing that someone else is going through the same thing makes us all feel a little more normal and a little less like we're completely fouling up the most important job ever. Because seriously, today I totally feel like I'm failing. Actually, lately, I feel like I'm failing. Lately, I feel completely ill-equipped to do this job. I feel overwhelmed. I feel selfish. I feel ignored. I feel angry ALL. THE. TIME. I hear myself say things, and literally as the words come out of my mouth, I regret them. But I can't seem to stop them. I can't seem to reign myself in and be peaceful and patient for longer than an hour or two. And then I feel guilty. Oh my goodness the guilt that consumes me. Days like today make me feel like I am the worst possible, most toxic presence in their lives.
When my husband comes home for lunch to find Nick and I locked in a battle of wills to get him down for a very much needed nap, it makes me furious that Jason is able to swoop in and say the exact same words I've already said to Nick, yet he actually has success where I was met with downright refusal. It makes me furious, first at Jason (unfairly, I know!) that he could just swoop in and save the day. Then it makes me mad at Nick (again, unfairly...I get it!) for ignoring me but immediately complying to his father's words; as though his refusal to follow my instructions were completely predetermined actions designed simply to make me mad. But let's be really honest here. The one I'm really mad at is me. For allowing myself to get sucked into a 4 year old's world and taking his bait. For allowing myself to get dragged down to his childish level and digging my heels in as solidly as he. For not being the composed adult I should have been and allowing the situation to escalate. And once I worked through the anger, here came the guilt again. Guilt that my reactions and responses to arguments and misbehaving are simply making it all worse. Guilt over not being able to reach him like Jason, not being the one that he needed, guilt over being "caught" by my husband in an argument with Nick. I was ashamed and embarrassed for someone, anyone, but definitely my parenting partner in crime to see that ugly side of me, that side of me that clearly has none of the answers.
And once the guilt washes over me, then comes the familiar, terrible feeling that I am simply not good at this. And it's crushing because we constantly hear "oh, just wait until they're ____ years old! Then the fun really begins!", dripping with sarcasm of course. So we're told that it just keeps getting harder and harder as they get older. And days like today make me feel that if it gets much harder, I don't think I can handle it. I find myself wanting to go back to a full-time job, just to get a "vacation" from all of this! How has life changed so much that a 40 hour work week sounds like a vacation?! If someone would have told me 2 years ago that just going to work would feel like a vacation, and a fight with a four year old over nap-time could reduce me to tears, I never would have believed them. But then, 2 years ago, I'd never been a stay at home mom. I'd never been responsible for meeting all their needs, all the time. I'd never felt the crushing pressure of having little eyes and ears on every. single. thing I do and say. I'd never experienced my child's burning need to simply have his little voice heard.
Again, I don't write this because I need someone to pat me on the back, or assure me that I'm a good mom. Some days, I AM a good mom. And some days, I'm not. But I think that is true for every mom (and dad). Unfortunately, today, I don't have any uplifting words to assure any of us that our kids won't somehow be damaged by our parenting missteps. I don't have any words of encouragement today to assure you that it's all going to turn out okay. But if, like me, you are going through a season of self-doubt, then I write this for you and hope it helps you to know you aren't alone.
